What's the scoop?

This blog post feels like a long time coming... even though it's really only been three months. ;)

Three crazy, long, emotional months I might add! If you're on my Facebook you've probably seen the crappy days, the happy days, the progress. Of course I'm talking about the odds and ends of my relationship with Steven. Never in a million years did I think that we would have had the year we've had. It was only a year ago that I was getting ready to shop for my wedding dress and I was SO excited. The most excited a girl could have been to go dress shopping. A year ago, I thought we'd be married at this current time and be celebrating our first month of marriage after our wedding. My oh my, did that change.

I will start by saying that we're the happiest we have ever been. It feels like we get that second chance. We've gone through the phases of not talking and realized we were more miserable taking that route. We've been talking and working through so many things the last couple of months, and one of those topics was if we did get back together it was for good. So on that note, we're a "we" again - and yes I've got the ring! So you can all stop awkwardly staring at my finger now and wondering. Haha, I wish I was joking - but really! He's working out of Lodi as an EMT and is so extremely happy with his new job - I couldn't be more proud or ecstatic for him. I'm still out in San Jose, working and getting the chance to miss him. It may sound silly but getting the chance to miss him (and vice versa) has made all the difference for us. Sometimes you don't realize the things that you take for granted even when they are right in front of you. I think once the old wedding date passed, it was no longer that constant dark cloud hovering over my thoughts. I felt relief, then some guilt, and now I feel a whole lot of happiness. I'm pretty sure that even our closest friends have had no idea what the heck is going on half the time. Sorry not sorry! The best part about that is that Steven and I have been on the same page without worrying about everyone else. We haven't cared what people will say now that we're back together or about anything that's happened. I feel like the entire ordeal has helped us grow individually and as a couple and I think that's the best outcome either of us could have hoped for.

So, are we going to rush to set a new date? Probably not, although it's hard not to want to do that! We'll play it by ear. We're living in different cities and that's a little weird for right now, but we have no idea where we'll be living once February comes around and my lease is up. We aren't worrying about that too much right now anyway. We are busy enjoying the time we do get with each other and that's what matters most :)

Mid-week thoughts on friendship.

I've been feeling all sorts of "downer" emotions lately and I KNOW I'm ignoring them. It's mostly sadness about the friendships that I feel like I'm letting go of. Will I be sad about these dwindling friendships a year or two from now? Maybe, maybe not…or maybe this has been a long time coming. When I think back two months where I was feeling pretty fragile, sad, and not in a good place, I think about all the people who were there for me in the storm. They were there before, during, and after and I can list their names without hesitation. I feel like those people validated who are actually true friends in my life. They'd text, or call, or send a little something in the mail just to say they're thinking about me or they miss me. BUT, the difference is I'd reciprocate that back. I'd be there in a heartbeat for any of my friends. Sounds like a relationship, right? Welp, I've realized friendship is a lot like a love relationship. We bicker, we make fun, but we also love, communicate, and, genuinely care about one another. 

Friendships require WORK. 

I'm sure you can imagine how crappy it feels to try and make plans but to always have them fall through. Or, you see plans being made with other people via social media when yours always fall through. Like, really? You can't take an hour out of your entire day to hang out and catch up? You are THAT busy? I'm sorry, but no one is that busy. Should I be sorry for genuinely caring about your well being and wanting to know what's new in life? Nope. I have this problem with "cutting" people out, mainly because that's just not who I am. I'm the type of person who will go 2 years without talking to someone and we can pick right up where we left off. Unfortunately, a huge part of me doesn't feel like putting in the effort with these friendships anymore. I'm tired of thinking about if they even care about it, the fact they only talk to me when they have problems, and how the weight of the friendship is heavier than a sack of fricking potatoes on my back. 

The ugly, 20-something year old truth is our priorities change, people change, and that means friendships die. Sayonara! Okay, that doesn't mean you don't have to be friends and waive at each other as you pass by or whatever, but the friendship level as you know it just got knocked down some serious notches. And to be honest... it's a hard pill for me to swallow and I don't think that'll ever change. I cut off one of my best friends 2.5 years ago for one reason or another, but I have never stopped thinking about her even though I was hurt by things that took place. I always wonder how she is but never message her. Why? Too proud? Waiting for an apology? Time has gone too long? Afraid we won't have the same friendship? All are probably valid. BUT, until I can accept that these friendships are proudly wearing the dunce cap, I can't move forward. Sad truth. I hope that they read this, know it's about them, but do not say a single word to me about it. It may be mean, but my reason for that is simple. I don't want this blog post to ignite the flame for the fire when in reality you've been out of firewood for the last year anyway. 

Side note: I wish I had a fireplace right about now.