What's the scoop?

This blog post feels like a long time coming... even though it's really only been three months. ;)

Three crazy, long, emotional months I might add! If you're on my Facebook you've probably seen the crappy days, the happy days, the progress. Of course I'm talking about the odds and ends of my relationship with Steven. Never in a million years did I think that we would have had the year we've had. It was only a year ago that I was getting ready to shop for my wedding dress and I was SO excited. The most excited a girl could have been to go dress shopping. A year ago, I thought we'd be married at this current time and be celebrating our first month of marriage after our wedding. My oh my, did that change.

I will start by saying that we're the happiest we have ever been. It feels like we get that second chance. We've gone through the phases of not talking and realized we were more miserable taking that route. We've been talking and working through so many things the last couple of months, and one of those topics was if we did get back together it was for good. So on that note, we're a "we" again - and yes I've got the ring! So you can all stop awkwardly staring at my finger now and wondering. Haha, I wish I was joking - but really! He's working out of Lodi as an EMT and is so extremely happy with his new job - I couldn't be more proud or ecstatic for him. I'm still out in San Jose, working and getting the chance to miss him. It may sound silly but getting the chance to miss him (and vice versa) has made all the difference for us. Sometimes you don't realize the things that you take for granted even when they are right in front of you. I think once the old wedding date passed, it was no longer that constant dark cloud hovering over my thoughts. I felt relief, then some guilt, and now I feel a whole lot of happiness. I'm pretty sure that even our closest friends have had no idea what the heck is going on half the time. Sorry not sorry! The best part about that is that Steven and I have been on the same page without worrying about everyone else. We haven't cared what people will say now that we're back together or about anything that's happened. I feel like the entire ordeal has helped us grow individually and as a couple and I think that's the best outcome either of us could have hoped for.

So, are we going to rush to set a new date? Probably not, although it's hard not to want to do that! We'll play it by ear. We're living in different cities and that's a little weird for right now, but we have no idea where we'll be living once February comes around and my lease is up. We aren't worrying about that too much right now anyway. We are busy enjoying the time we do get with each other and that's what matters most :)

Mid-week thoughts on friendship.

I've been feeling all sorts of "downer" emotions lately and I KNOW I'm ignoring them. It's mostly sadness about the friendships that I feel like I'm letting go of. Will I be sad about these dwindling friendships a year or two from now? Maybe, maybe not…or maybe this has been a long time coming. When I think back two months where I was feeling pretty fragile, sad, and not in a good place, I think about all the people who were there for me in the storm. They were there before, during, and after and I can list their names without hesitation. I feel like those people validated who are actually true friends in my life. They'd text, or call, or send a little something in the mail just to say they're thinking about me or they miss me. BUT, the difference is I'd reciprocate that back. I'd be there in a heartbeat for any of my friends. Sounds like a relationship, right? Welp, I've realized friendship is a lot like a love relationship. We bicker, we make fun, but we also love, communicate, and, genuinely care about one another. 

Friendships require WORK. 

I'm sure you can imagine how crappy it feels to try and make plans but to always have them fall through. Or, you see plans being made with other people via social media when yours always fall through. Like, really? You can't take an hour out of your entire day to hang out and catch up? You are THAT busy? I'm sorry, but no one is that busy. Should I be sorry for genuinely caring about your well being and wanting to know what's new in life? Nope. I have this problem with "cutting" people out, mainly because that's just not who I am. I'm the type of person who will go 2 years without talking to someone and we can pick right up where we left off. Unfortunately, a huge part of me doesn't feel like putting in the effort with these friendships anymore. I'm tired of thinking about if they even care about it, the fact they only talk to me when they have problems, and how the weight of the friendship is heavier than a sack of fricking potatoes on my back. 

The ugly, 20-something year old truth is our priorities change, people change, and that means friendships die. Sayonara! Okay, that doesn't mean you don't have to be friends and waive at each other as you pass by or whatever, but the friendship level as you know it just got knocked down some serious notches. And to be honest... it's a hard pill for me to swallow and I don't think that'll ever change. I cut off one of my best friends 2.5 years ago for one reason or another, but I have never stopped thinking about her even though I was hurt by things that took place. I always wonder how she is but never message her. Why? Too proud? Waiting for an apology? Time has gone too long? Afraid we won't have the same friendship? All are probably valid. BUT, until I can accept that these friendships are proudly wearing the dunce cap, I can't move forward. Sad truth. I hope that they read this, know it's about them, but do not say a single word to me about it. It may be mean, but my reason for that is simple. I don't want this blog post to ignite the flame for the fire when in reality you've been out of firewood for the last year anyway. 

Side note: I wish I had a fireplace right about now.

Note to self - it's just a date.

I've been wanting to blog sooner but needed to give myself time to settle back in San Jose and work on this new chapter in life. I can't fail to mention that it's been a fricking roller coaster the last month. Every time I've been needing and wanting to write, it's been when I'm having bad days. I don't want to fill this blog with only bad feelings because there are still so many great days too. Plus, I just didn't know where to start or how to sort everything out. I have to start by saying how grateful I am to have found an awesome place with great roommates. Not only has that really eased the pain of being out here, but it's been refreshing to meet new people and build new relationships. Being out on my own has been exciting, scary, and sad. It's been awesome to try new things and figure out what I like/don't like. It's given me the opportunity to appreciate time by myself and get used to being out of my comfort zone. It's been scary when I have my bad days and have to figure out how to channel those emotions. The rough days are usually triggered by small things, and I never expect them or am ready for them when they come. I could get a random email about weddings, see invitations at work, or pass by a place Steven and I love going to. I find myself getting upset by songs I've heard a million times before, just because in that single moment it feels and means something totally different. If you're my friend on Facebook or Instagram, you probably think I'm doing great in my single life because most of my posts are generally happy. I've been mingling with new peeps, keeping busy, etc. but in reality it's not my everyday life. I hate being single. That's the one problem I have with social media and even texting - it's always an incomplete story and most will just take the status updates and run off with it. PICK UP THE PHONE PEOPLE. Technology has made us, humans who have real emotions and are constantly feeling, suppress those emotions and in turn live in fear of not having "the perfect life". How sad it is to have to fear our own emotions, and then have worry about how to communicate them in times we need it most.

Here's me attempting to communicate: I still have my rough days where I feel inconsolable and nothing anyone says or does can bring me out of the funk. I think I might still be in shock that I'm here and it's really hit me the hardest the last two weeks.  This week was supposed to be the week we'd be prepping for our wedding. Tomorrow was the day I was going to head over to Fresno. Friday was going to be rehearsal. Saturday was the day I was looking forward to and day dreamed the most for the last year and a half...and yet it's not happening. I have had so much anxiety about how I'd be feeling right now or how I'll feel on Saturday. I can tell you there's a lot of sadness. I've been asked if I am okay and I say yes, but I really just feel numb. I am pretty sure I'm 2 seconds away from a breakdown at any point this week. Ugh. I made this decision and so far, I think I know it was the right one. I'm happy I followed my heart. I'm happy I'm taking the time to live on my own, try new things, meet new people...but a big chunk of my heart is just missing. I know I shouldn't focus so much on a single day since it will come around when the time is right but I am only human. I've been watching wedding dress shows, crafting, and pinning wedding shit like crazy for at least the last 2 years (sadly it hasn't stopped), so I know the sadness is bound to be a part of this entire process. It's not where I pictured us right now and that's the only thing that I repeatedly say. I'm hoping and wishing that once October 4th passes, the anxiety will just be gone. The days won't be so hard. The sadness won't be so raw and I won't feel so delicate. I already know that the answer is I'll still have hard days and I'll still have these occasional breakdowns because I'm a pretty emotional person. I feel like this date has been this black cloud and is always in the back of my mind and I'm ready for it to be in the past. It's not our date. It's not the right time.

I will mention that this upcoming weekend has a bit more weight than just our wedding date. A year ago on Sunday, something awful happened in our family that I wish we could purge from our memory and our hearts. I honestly don't know that I ever truly healed from this day or the weeks afterwards. I still have nightmares and anxiety about those memories. Sorry to be vague, but I can't and won't go into details about it because it is extremely personal and not my story to share here unless I am asked to. So, given the doubley importance of this upcoming weekend, I am spending it at the beach. It's the one place where I can clear my head, be removed from any situation that is painful, and let the day slip away with some of the most amazing people I have had the honor to know for so many years. My roommates like to call our place the house of new beginnings because we each have a story for a fresh start. I loved it as soon as I heard it, and I feel like it is a good motto for this upcoming weekend. It will be about releasing the pain and guilt I'm still holding onto. This weekend will signify new beginnings and that our past experiences will remain only as the building blocks for the future. 

Smile. Be happy. Be you.

New beginnings.

DEEP BREATHS.

Tomorrow is the day...

I'm moving back to San Jose. I say deep breaths because I'm leaving so many important people who are in Stockton. The people who have been there for me to lean on for support and yes, that includes Steven. As the day has been creeping up it's been pretty surreal. I don't have to do the commute for 4 hours a day. I can actually get back into a gym routine. I can do anything my little heart desires! Oh, the options are endless. It's scary and exhilarating all at once and it all came together like a perfect puzzle. I didn't expect to buy a car, find a place to live, and move back to San Jose all within a month. BUT, here I am. I am happy. Yes, I have the occasional rough days but they make the great days that much better to enjoy. I am so excited to start this new experience. I know that if I cry tomorrow it's not because I'm sad - it's because I am going to live MY life. I've never had the opportunity to make decisions for myself or live on my own. I've only ever thought about myself and Steven as a whole. I don't mean for that to sound bad or filled with regret at all, but it was my life for the last 6 years and it's weird it's not my future. It will be overwhelming. I am thankful for all of the experiences from the last 8.5 months in Stockton. It was a blessing to build on so many relationships and friendships with people who were always, or have become, some of the most important people in my life. I will miss the luxury of living in the same town as my family and friends. I'm leaving behind the good, bad and sad memories but will make new ones in a place I know and love. I'm reaaaaadddddyyyyyyyyyyyy!

My BHAG (<- work term) from my blog is to let others know it's okay to make decisions for your own life and that you'll be okay for it in the end. Yep, it might suck and not everyone will be understanding. They'll get over it. Does that outweigh the decision and/or feeling of regret? Can you live with not knowing what might have happened had you taken that chance for yourself? I don't want to be the person that encourages others into a decision based on my own experiences. Every situation is different and in no way do I want to encourage anyone to go through this process. That being said...if I could give advice to any person who is my age and thinking about taking that next step or is already planning to, I would ask them these questions and tell them to have these conversations with their significant others. These questions suck and they're hard, but they are real and they make you think. I wish I talked about these sooner because it could have turned out very different (hindsight). If there's any reason for doubt, listen and trust your gut. Take the time to talk it out, dissect it, and make sure it's right for you. Be positive and as my dad would say, get on with your good life!

• Are you content with YOURSELF and where you're at?
• Are you ready? And do you think your partner is? Have that discussion. Talk about your fears. Don't be afraid to wait if that's what feels right. When everyone is asking "have you set a date" or constantly nagging about the details of the wedding, that doesn't mean you have to rush to get everything done. There is NO winning there. I had everything done 6 months out...and....yeah. Waiting is not a bad thing.
• Think about the person you're contemplating marriage with. Now think about the things you dislike most about that person. Can you live with that the rest of your life? Think about the things you dislike most about yourself in the relationship. Can you work through those things? Do the good things outweigh the bad, and are the bad things deal breakers? 
• Do premarital counseling and do it sooner rather than later. Honestly, I would do it before you ever set a date, but it's never too late if you aren't married yet.
• Have you had the serious conversations like: 
• What would happen if we broke up?
• What would happen if one of you cheated? You might be surprised at the answers to this one.
• Do you trust each other? Do you feel like you're trusted?
• How well do you communicate?
• Are you honest with one another? 
• Why are you marrying each other? What does marriage mean to you both? Say these out loud.
• What are you going to do to be the couple that stays together for 60+ years? These stats are scary as shit.
• Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
• Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population

Hi, I'm angry.

I'm not Rachel today. Today, I'm angry. I woke up feeling a lot of negative energy. I typically try and ward it off with some positive thinking but so far...no such luck. I have no idea how many of you read my Facebook post about my day starting off crappy yesterday. Even though there were crappy things that happened to me yesterday, I still had a really great attitude through it all. Even down to all the ice that got dumped on me slowly (DAD!!!).

Today....not so much. I'm mad that I had to sit with some random guy on the train and woke up startled by it not being Steven. I'm mad that I had to order at Starbucks and Subway by myself today. I'm mad because I feel like all the typical places I used to go with Steven are places I now go alone, and even worse is that the people working notice that I'm without him. I don't want the sympathy. It's one of those "you made your bed and now you can lay in it" things, but I have a really heavy heart with guilt today. I don't want to talk about all the shit in storage, or the money we're losing out on from the wedding, or what's in the savings, or who dropped money on what and paid for whatever. I'm mad because I feel like these tangible, unimportant things have become front and center and I really don't care to think twice about them. I know this is all a part of the process. It has to get done some time. I just don't know if I'll ever feel ready for it. It'll hurt and I know for sure it'll suck. I KNOW. As much as I try and prepare for these moments there's no way it'll prevent the sinking feeling I get from having to talk to Steven about it all, or the bubbling anger from the fact that we're here. We. are. here. We are here. I can't wrap my head around it today. Every time I hear "I didn't want this" it feels like someone is knocking the wind out of me and I feel defeated all over again. I can't help the whole "something is wrong with me" and question of what I'm doing. I was strong on Saturday. Today I'm weak, and I hate today.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

The title of this blog is a lyric from one of my favorite songs. It has always stuck with me since the very first time I listened to it, but never truly resonated with me until recently. I contemplated how much I should really disclose here but I'd rather get this all out there than leave room for rumors or questions. But really, I'm TIRED of talking about this stuff. I'm fricking exhausted.

As many of you know, Steven and I have been together for 6 years and those have been the happiest years of my life. We recently moved back to Stockton to save for our wedding and have been commuting {disgustingly early} every day on the train to work in Santa Clara. Well, what was good for our wallets and wedding turned out to be terrible for us and our relationship. We were together every waking (and sleeping) moment of every day...literally 24/7. Through the years we've tried to be good about giving each other space and "me" time. I've always believed that missing each other is a good thing. A couple of months ago, I started feeling really suffocated -- with everything in general. I couldn't shake that I was about to be 25 and hadn't accomplished half of what I hoped to on my own. I couldn't shake the feeling of being unsettled about marriage because there were pieces that I needed to pick up for myself. There were also the doubtful questions like, why can't I handle being around him 24/7 anymore while he could handle it? What does that mean about our relationship? I couldn't shake the feeling that I was losing myself the longer we stayed in Stockton. I talked to my parents, talked to my sisters, talked to close friends, but nothing that anyone could say would fix my feelings or make me feel better. Most just shrugged and called it cold feet and/or a quarter-life crisis. I tried to talk to Steven but I don't think it came out very clear - plus I was just so nervous and scared at what it all meant. As 25 neared and our wedding got closer, I was in a serious state of panic and worry. I refused to talk to anyone and would just come home and sit in our room, blocking out the world and suppressing these thoughts however I could. I was not and did not feel happy, and I constantly felt like I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. As much as I tried to not think about it all, my thoughts were consumed with what I hadn't done and still needed to do. What time do I take for myself? What hobbies do I have? Why don't I have my bachelor's degree yet? Why is everyone else able to go through with marriage and families and I'm needing to step back? I still remember the night he asked me what was going on, and I told him I felt like we needed to postpone the wedding while I figured this stuff out. It was one of the most hurtful nights of my life. I didn't know what to do after inflicting that much pain on someone I love, and it hurt my heart so much. How could it be the right thing when it felt wrong? I went from being happy to being doubtful about everything around me in just a few months - it was all happening so fast. As painful as it is to admit, that included our relationship. You have to question: how do you date someone for 6 years and all of the sudden feel unsure? Why don't you look to him for the support you need? It's not like I have a bad life and don't appreciate what I have, but I feel the need to accomplish my goals to prove I can. Everything in me was telling me I had to do it on my own, for myself. I need to do what makes me happy and follow my heart. I felt like I was in a downward spiral and couldn't get anything together no matter how hard I tried. 

So this is the current state of things: 

• We broke up. 
• We are not living together.
• I am moving back to San Jose for a while. 
• The wedding is off.

No, this is not a joke and I really hate when people ask me that. I know this comes as a shock to mostly everyone who is close to us and who knows us. Hell, it's still a shock for us. We didn't see ourselves here. With our wedding date coming up, we wanted to be fully open and exposed as to what's happening. Putting our relationship and wedding on hold to figure things out was easily the toughest decision ever. Marriage and a family were within reach - I was right there. We were right there. It's so easy to ignore your gut and how you feel but there are times in life when that's the absolute worst thing you could do. I couldn't ignore the fact that I felt like marriage was not my path right now - it wouldn't be fair to either of us if I went through with it. I just have take deep breaths every day and make sure I focus on how to get myself into a better place, one small step at a time. I had to accept the fact that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. I can tell you that no person wants to feel the way I did 4 months out from their wedding day. No person wants to inflict pain on their fiancé like I was doing for the last few months. I could see the hurt every day in his eyes and it would just shatter my heart even more. Marriage is so important to both of us and neither of us want divorce. I truly believe you can't be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself... so here we are. Taking it day by day with no idea what the future holds because that's all we can do.

Now I've got to rant a bit and since this is my blog, I think I'm allowed to do that. I know our families and friends don't understand and are worried and confused. I know some of them are angry with me, hurt, and think whatever the hell else. There's the first problem - getting too involved in this. Honestly, it's really hard for me to not spew a ton of profanities at the people I truly thought would be there for the both of us through anything. I'm going to put this out there and am accepting the fact that I am writing this out of hurt, anger and frustration. It's so easy to take the side of the person who is not doing the breaking up. It's so easy to take sides of the person who is your blood. What frustrates me the most is the judging and opinions. Hearing secondhand about thoughts or feelings when you haven't even spoken one word to me about any of it. The little act of asking "How are you?" can go a long way. The gossip that I've heard come from my own family and friends hurts more than words can ever describe. I'm trying so hard to be bigger than all of you "judgers" who think your opinion and taking sides is more important than being supportive for both of us and of what is happening. What I did was right. Taking a step back was right. And yeah, it fricking sucks for BOTH of us. So I'm only going to write this once: THIS ISN'T YOUR LIFE OR RELATIONSHIP. It is not for YOU to understand what is happening in my life or our lives. I'm sorry that I "impacted" your life in some way where you felt compelled to pose your comments and opinions to others and not to me, but then again I'm not. I'm not sorry that I can't go through with a marriage right now feeling like I do. THIS WASN'T PLANNED. It is NOT any easier for me to step back from marriage and a future family to focus on getting myself back to happy. It's not easy to admit that there's something wrong and take action to correct it. I am not only going through a break up, I am going through an individual journey as well. This is my life and I'm the only person in control of my happiness. If you can't be supportive then I don't want you in my life or our lives. I hope you hear me loud and clear when I say get your head out of your arse. Rant over.

This whole thing just sucks but it's so important to keep positive, no matter how trying each day is. I wish I had the time and energy to talk to everyone about it but I don't. Hence, the blog. I'll update it as often as I can. Thanks to everyone who has been able to put their feelings aside and just be supportive. I am so thankful for those who have extended words of advice, let me cry to them, listened to me talk for hours about anything and everything, and have even opened their homes. You know who you are. I appreciate all of you. We appreciate all of you.