Hi, I'm angry.

I'm not Rachel today. Today, I'm angry. I woke up feeling a lot of negative energy. I typically try and ward it off with some positive thinking but so far...no such luck. I have no idea how many of you read my Facebook post about my day starting off crappy yesterday. Even though there were crappy things that happened to me yesterday, I still had a really great attitude through it all. Even down to all the ice that got dumped on me slowly (DAD!!!).

Today....not so much. I'm mad that I had to sit with some random guy on the train and woke up startled by it not being Steven. I'm mad that I had to order at Starbucks and Subway by myself today. I'm mad because I feel like all the typical places I used to go with Steven are places I now go alone, and even worse is that the people working notice that I'm without him. I don't want the sympathy. It's one of those "you made your bed and now you can lay in it" things, but I have a really heavy heart with guilt today. I don't want to talk about all the shit in storage, or the money we're losing out on from the wedding, or what's in the savings, or who dropped money on what and paid for whatever. I'm mad because I feel like these tangible, unimportant things have become front and center and I really don't care to think twice about them. I know this is all a part of the process. It has to get done some time. I just don't know if I'll ever feel ready for it. It'll hurt and I know for sure it'll suck. I KNOW. As much as I try and prepare for these moments there's no way it'll prevent the sinking feeling I get from having to talk to Steven about it all, or the bubbling anger from the fact that we're here. We. are. here. We are here. I can't wrap my head around it today. Every time I hear "I didn't want this" it feels like someone is knocking the wind out of me and I feel defeated all over again. I can't help the whole "something is wrong with me" and question of what I'm doing. I was strong on Saturday. Today I'm weak, and I hate today.