I've been wanting to blog sooner but needed to give myself time to settle back in San Jose and work on this new chapter in life. I can't fail to mention that it's been a fricking roller coaster the last month. Every time I've been needing and wanting to write, it's been when I'm having bad days. I don't want to fill this blog with only bad feelings because there are still so many great days too. Plus, I just didn't know where to start or how to sort everything out. I have to start by saying how grateful I am to have found an awesome place with great roommates. Not only has that really eased the pain of being out here, but it's been refreshing to meet new people and build new relationships. Being out on my own has been exciting, scary, and sad. It's been awesome to try new things and figure out what I like/don't like. It's given me the opportunity to appreciate time by myself and get used to being out of my comfort zone. It's been scary when I have my bad days and have to figure out how to channel those emotions. The rough days are usually triggered by small things, and I never expect them or am ready for them when they come. I could get a random email about weddings, see invitations at work, or pass by a place Steven and I love going to. I find myself getting upset by songs I've heard a million times before, just because in that single moment it feels and means something totally different. If you're my friend on Facebook or Instagram, you probably think I'm doing great in my single life because most of my posts are generally happy. I've been mingling with new peeps, keeping busy, etc. but in reality it's not my everyday life. I hate being single. That's the one problem I have with social media and even texting - it's always an incomplete story and most will just take the status updates and run off with it. PICK UP THE PHONE PEOPLE. Technology has made us, humans who have real emotions and are constantly feeling, suppress those emotions and in turn live in fear of not having "the perfect life". How sad it is to have to fear our own emotions, and then have worry about how to communicate them in times we need it most.
Here's me attempting to communicate: I still have my rough days where I feel inconsolable and nothing anyone says or does can bring me out of the funk. I think I might still be in shock that I'm here and it's really hit me the hardest the last two weeks. This week was supposed to be the week we'd be prepping for our wedding. Tomorrow was the day I was going to head over to Fresno. Friday was going to be rehearsal. Saturday was the day I was looking forward to and day dreamed the most for the last year and a half...and yet it's not happening. I have had so much anxiety about how I'd be feeling right now or how I'll feel on Saturday. I can tell you there's a lot of sadness. I've been asked if I am okay and I say yes, but I really just feel numb. I am pretty sure I'm 2 seconds away from a breakdown at any point this week. Ugh. I made this decision and so far, I think I know it was the right one. I'm happy I followed my heart. I'm happy I'm taking the time to live on my own, try new things, meet new people...but a big chunk of my heart is just missing. I know I shouldn't focus so much on a single day since it will come around when the time is right but I am only human. I've been watching wedding dress shows, crafting, and pinning wedding shit like crazy for at least the last 2 years (sadly it hasn't stopped), so I know the sadness is bound to be a part of this entire process. It's not where I pictured us right now and that's the only thing that I repeatedly say. I'm hoping and wishing that once October 4th passes, the anxiety will just be gone. The days won't be so hard. The sadness won't be so raw and I won't feel so delicate. I already know that the answer is I'll still have hard days and I'll still have these occasional breakdowns because I'm a pretty emotional person. I feel like this date has been this black cloud and is always in the back of my mind and I'm ready for it to be in the past. It's not our date. It's not the right time.
I will mention that this upcoming weekend has a bit more weight than just our wedding date. A year ago on Sunday, something awful happened in our family that I wish we could purge from our memory and our hearts. I honestly don't know that I ever truly healed from this day or the weeks afterwards. I still have nightmares and anxiety about those memories. Sorry to be vague, but I can't and won't go into details about it because it is extremely personal and not my story to share here unless I am asked to. So, given the doubley importance of this upcoming weekend, I am spending it at the
beach. It's the one place where I can clear my head, be removed from any situation that is painful, and let the day slip away with some of the most amazing people I have had the honor to know for so many years. My roommates like to call our place the house of new beginnings because we each have a story for a fresh start. I loved it as soon as I heard it, and I feel like it is a good motto for this upcoming weekend. It will be about releasing the pain and guilt I'm still holding onto. This weekend will signify new beginnings and that our past experiences will remain only as the building blocks for the future.
Smile. Be happy. Be you.
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